My Depression & Subsequent Realization

My depression was partially a good, long and hard look at true reality and being totally petrified, horrified, disgusted by it ...  But also ... lacking the capacity to see solutions, failing to see the positivity in the world, letting the 'bad stuff' take center stage.  A good hard look turned into an endless spiral of despair ...

'Moral relativity' was something I said many times during my conversations with my therapist.  That is something I couldn't live with during the worst of my breakdown two years ago.

I couldn't work out how to be happy in a world where so many suffer.  Day it and day out.  I couldn't fathom being happy KNOWING there were children being abused everywhere I looked.  I applied statistics to my surroundings.  I imagined the worst case scenarios, I looked around guessing which families were abusive ...

I spiraled and spiraled out of control ... and then I had to try to shut it down.

I feared for my child.  I feared for other children.  I feared for the planet.  I feared for the world.

I literally worried myself sick.  I stopped being a productive person.  I stopped being useful.  

And now I realise, to my continued despair, that my depression is hurting those that I'm despairing for - my children, my own family and myself.  By indirect extension, the world at large.

So, now I'm trying TRYING so so hard, not to get caught up in the web of depression and despair anymore.  It's a fight I'm waging every day and night.  

I don't want to be selfish anymore.  I suffered; it's over.  Others suffer, but by continuing to suffer for them is NOT going to help them.

It's good to take good hard looks, but it's as important to be able to know when to stop looking and start doing - beginning with oneself.  If you can't make yourself feel better, how can you make anyone else ?!?!?!?!??!?!??? 

Being happy is not selfish.

The Pitiful Playground

The park of 'Bozky Nebozky' (Bozena the pitiful) - a name we kids gave this park that was named after a famous Czech child book author Bozena Nemcova.  

How uncanny.

Dark, rusty and cold.  Smelling faintly of urine.  

Pieces of broken and rusted-through metal sticking out in angry, sad bits; looking like mouths with shattered teeth, like wounds that won't heal.  

Parts missing.  Parts stolen and sold as scrap metal. 

Dismantled dreams.

That's how I remember this playground, mostly.  

The intention was to be a warm, fun filled place for imagination, games and laughter.  And for a while it was.  Then it turned into wasteland.  

The potential is almost surprising, the waste of it, heart wrenching. 

Towards the end, the stairs didn't lead anywhere, the rails were missing or rusted through - instead of serving as safety measure, it's rusty broken bits threatening to cut through a little palm, the harsh surface scraping a little knee ...  

The rocket, so hopefully pointing to the sky turned into a scary looming dark hole filled with smell of urine, filled with trash ... 

Eerily, like my childhood, what started out as a warm, hopeful, safe place, ended up being a scary, sad and cold hole ...

That cold spot is still within me, with its rusty edges, with its shame, its broken dreams.  Sometimes the cold sharp metal cuts me when I least expect it.  And then there is the absurd beauty and a hint of warmth ... those things that I try to hold on to.:

Haircare Routine 2013

My hair in October 2013.  

All copyrights reserved for this image.  

Ask permission if you wish to use it non-commercially. 

It's about time I updated my information on my haircare routine!

I have to say it's rather similar to what I did in 2012, but there are some changes there!

First major change has been in my attitude.  I stopped being so obsessively perfectionist about my hair and am now fine with a certain amount of damage.  I've accepted the simple fact that it's unavoidable - mechanical damage from washing, brushing, etc. that is.  I wear it down much more than before and if it gets caught in a zipper, well, I won't have a mental breakdown over it ;).

My hair has reached the BCL length - in other words - 'butt-crack length', haha.  It feels super long.  In fact, it feels too long and no amount of pampering prevents it from tangling up something horrible - sometimes it's a whole tangle metropolis on my head.  That is the reason I'm getting a haircut ... today.  I still haven't decided if I want to spent the 500 SEK (about 50 USD) on it or if I should just do it myself.  Like so: http://feyeselftrim.livejournal.com I could buy my daughter a whole mini library of books for that price instead!

But let's get back to updating my haircare routine:

Washing

I still use heavily diluted shampoo (I have a small plastic cup that I squeeze some shampoo into and then fill the rest of it with water) to wash my hair about once a week.  I've been using a Jonson's Baby Shampoo (SLS free) or my new After Oil shampoo from Kerala Ayurveda that is also SLS free.

I do have to clarify from time to time as my hair is insanely prone to build-up and to that end, I use the most SLS-packed shampoo I could find (imagine the cheapest store brand) - I never apply the shampoo on my scalp though, only on my length and ends, undiluted.  I also do WO (water only) washes between shampoo washes, but not all of the time anymore, it really depends on my mood these days.

Conditioning

I condition only after shampoo washes with my old beloved purple L'Oreal Elvital Collagen Volume.

As per usual, I only apply conditioner onto my length and ends, never anywhere near my scalp. The Tresemme Naturals Silicone-free conditioner that I bought nearly a liter of ended up producing way too much build up on my hair, so I had to quit using it.

Deep Oiling

As it is getting insanely cold again, I've had to start oiling a bit more often.  I usually mix cold-pressed castor and argan oils, massage it into my scalp and rub a little of it into my length (not always, and not the ends because of build up) and then leave it on overnight.   

Treatments

Since I ran out of the avocado gel, I stopped doing the SMT treatments and instead just add a little honey to a thicker conditioner (I still have some Tresemme Naturals conditioner left) and leave in on for 30 minutes or so, but I haven't done that one in forever now.  Maybe I should do that today.

Detangling

I used to detangle only totally dry hair before, but I've realized that as my hair is getting longer, the less is that possible.  Now I have to detangle while conditioning my hair after washing it.  Sometimes the tangles are so persistent, that I have to use a leave-in conditioner that I spray directly on the tangles and then pull the strands apart using fingers.   I am super lazy when it comes to detangling, so sometimes I let the tangles grow and sit for a while before I make myself take care of them.  I seriously despise detangling, it's the worst thing about having long hair.  It is so goshdarn annoying!

Hairstyling

I'm still wearing my hair mostly up held up with hairsticks or a hair fork, but I can be seen more often than before with just a simple pony tail or a plait - I've simply accepted that damage will occur and it's ok for it to occur.  I know I sound like a psycho to a 'normal' person, but go on and spend some time on the Long Hair Community forums and you will surely understand.  I have to say I love the forums and all the ladies I've met on there.

The LHC community is definitely to be thanked for the fact I have such long healthy head of hair right now.  I would recommend to anyone that is wishing to grow their hair in the most natural way to go and seek help and inspiration there.  It is more than helpful.

Hairtoys

I still have my Elymwold stick and Jeterfork fork (three pronged), plus I have two beautiful Ketylo sticks (matching), one small ebony Barreis fork (four prong, but tiny) and a two-prong dymonwood fork, whose maker I can't recall right now.  By the by, I've bought all of my 'toys' on etsy because etsy rocks.  Simple as that.

Coloring

I still dye my hair with a mixture of henna and cassia obovata, namely 33% henna and 66% cassia.  It works well and gives me the color I like - not too dark or over-saturated, which makes me look washed out, but warm and sparkly - just enough orange/amber to liven it up and make my hair less porous.  My favorite henna is still Jamila, but I have tried others with good results.  My favorite henna shop is still Hennaboy.  When I lived in the USA, I used to get my certified organic and pure henna from Mehandi.  You always need to be sure the henna you use is pure and there are no heavy metals or other chemical nasties in it.  It's extremely important not just for your hair, but your overall health.

Hair Toys

As of now, I don't really own any quality hair toys, unfortunately.  I have 7 hair sticks that are of medium to low quality - just something to hold my hair up - and can't really be considered 'toys' as they're purely functional.  I bought them mainly because they were cheap and looked decent.  I hoped for them to be of higher quality, but oh well, I guess the saying you get what you pay for is more than applicable in this case.

My first two real 'hair toys' are going to arrive in a few weeks as I have to purchase them first and then wait for their arrival.  One is being made for me as we speak and the other I have to have my questions about sizing answered first before I can purchase it.

This is the gorgeous Elymwold hairstick that I'll be getting:

And here is the beautiful jeterfork I'm interested in purchasing (and probably will buy in a day or two) - I hope nobody else buys it before me!!!:

I'm really looking forward to my first true hair toys!

///Ssssschka

My Haircare Routine 2012

It was just in the Spring of this year that I started putting more effort and time into taking care of my hair.  It was also the time I decided I'd like to grow my hair longer than it's ever been before - to hip length.  I've always been aware of such things as sulfates and parabens not being good for scalp and hair, so I've been using mostly SLS/paraben-free shampoos and natural conditioners for many years, but after the Spring of this year, I've taken the care of my hair a little further.

Washing (S/C- 'Shampoo and Condition' and WO - 'Water Only')

S/C - Shampoo and Condition

Once a week I use a shampoo that I dilute in a cup of water.  I alternate between using a shampoo with and without SLS (Urtekram's Nordic Birch has SLS and Urtekram's Lavender doesn't).  I bend over and pour the mixture over my scalp from behind, then the sides, the top of my head and then the front.  I massage the shampoo in and let it sit on my scalp for about half a minute before I wash it out.

WO - Water Only

I have to wash my hair once more between weekly shampoo washes, so I do, but with water only.  I usually do so some 3-4-5 days after a shampoo wash (depending on what I'm doing).  It is when the hair starts feeling a tiny bit oily, especially my fringe, but doesn't feel dirty enough to wash with a shampoo.  All I do is massage my scalp as I stand in a warm shower and then either apply some conditioner onto my ends or just oil after I get out of the shower.  This usually helps me to stretch the washes for two or three more days when I shampoo-wash again.  This has proven to be a great help in preventing dry hair and dry and irritated scalp, which has always been my biggest issue.

Conditioning

After washing out ALL of the shampoo, I apply conditioner (Tresemme Naturals or Garnier Respons Shea Butter and Avocado) to my length and ends only - I make sure none of it gets onto my scalp as my scalp doesn't tolerate conditioner.  I leave the conditioner on for a couple of minutes - up to 5 - and then rinse it out first with warm water and then with ice cold water.  Sometimes, I spray my hair and scalp with a very weak dilution of apple cider vinegar (ACV) (1tbsp in 400ml of water) before I rinse it with ice-cold water.

Another important part of after-wash hair conditioning is applying an oil in my length and especially ends while the hair is still at least somewhat wet as it's supposed to lock the moisture in and prevent it from escaping the individual hair strands.  For this end, I use almond oil, coconut oil or good old mineral oil (read: baby oil with no additives or perfume).

Deep Conditioning

• SMT

About once a month, I do an SMT (Snowymoon's Moisture Treatment) that is made of 4 parts conditioner, 1 part aloe vera gel (as pure as you can get it - with no alcohol, etc.) and 1 part honey (some warm it to get rid of honey's natural peroxide content).  I put that on after washing my hair, let it sit for about 30 minutes and then go back in the shower to wash it out with lukewarm and then ice-cold water.  Again, I apply the treatment only on my length as applying conditioner to my scalp causes me problems (itchiness, oiliness, etc.)

• Deep Oiling

Again, about once a month, before a shampoo wash day, I apply either a mixture of coconut and castor oils or premixed Amla hair oil mixture that I bought online (from a store that unfortunately no longer exists) both onto my scalp and length.  Then I braid my hair and go to sleep with the oil in my hair (I usually put an old towel over my pillow as my hair is soaked with the oil).  I wash it out the morning after, first with CO wash friendly conditioner (Conditioner-only wash conditioner doesn't have any silicones, proteins and is of a lighter kind, etc. look it up) that I apply this time even on my scalp and length and let it sit on for at least 2-3 minutes, then wash it out and apply my diluted shampoo mixture (it's better if the shampoo has some SLS in it as it strips the oil better), sometimes I reapply the shampoo mixture if the hair still doesn't feel clean enough and end with either a conditioner or just a ACV rinse (as described above).

• Henna + Cassia

This can be also filed under coloring my hair, but since both henna and cassia are well-known for their conditioning properties, it not only colors the hair, but also protects it, makes it shinier and stronger.  I color my hair every 6-8 weeks.

Hair Protection and Styling

Protective Styling

This is definitely an integral part of my haircare as it prevents my hair from further damage.

I wear my hair up in buns and plaits most of the time.  I wear it up 100% of the time when at work or out and about running errands.  For that purpose, I've bought a few hair sticks and a hair fork.  I also own some metal-free hair elastics, pins and bobby pins.  My go-to bun is the Nautilus bun.  It was fun to experiment with various braids during the summer as the hairstyles were pretty and romantic.  Now, in late fall, buns are much more practical.

I honestly never though it could be fun to play around with hair like that, I used to be a strict pony-tail or loose hair kinda girl, but that has changed drastically.

Detangling

One of the most important parts of protecting one's hair is proper handling and detangling.  For that purpose, I have a seamless wide toothed plastic comb and a Tangle Teezer, both of which are much more gentle for hair than your regular paddle brush or plastic combs riddled with seems that can damage the hair.

Styling Products

The only 'styling product' I ever use is pure aloe vera gel.  I put it on to simply smooth my hair.

The more I've been getting into natural hair-care, the more I appreciate natural beauty and properties of hair.  The over-styled perfectly straightened or unnaturally big diffused hair doesn't have the same appeal to me as it used to.  I can always 'go there' if I feel like it, but so far, a full head of healthy shiny hair is all I've ever needed and I've gotten enough compliments from both sexes to not have the need to start styling my hair in any other way than I've done so far.

It is all about embracing my natural hair and its properties. It has random irregular waves that never seem to come out the same way twice - so what?  Yes, I used to wish it were stick straight and then again to have it much wavier/curly, but I can't and won't have that unless I damage it and I just don't want to do that.  To me, healthy has always equaled beautiful and not only with hair.

And that is about it, folks!

With the warmest regards,

//Sssschka

Hennassia (Henna + Cassia)

Some two weeks ago, I decided to give up on growing out my natural hair color (mousy dark blonde) and ... oops I hennaed again!

Well, it was no oops; it was a carefully planned and carried out venture and this time around it was not just henna that I used.

In fact, it was exactly 66% cassia (200g) and 33% henna (100g) mixed with two big lemons' worth of juice (yes, fresh-squeezed) a lot of camomile tea (used for dilution to reach the yogurt consistency) and about a tablespoon worth of olive oil.  The olive oil and some of the chamomile tea was added after I let the cassia/henna/lemon juice/camomile tea mixture sit over night for about 12 hours in total wrapped in a plastic bag with some holes cut through it.  After I applied the mud, I let it sit on my hair for cca 2 hours.

The color that resulted was much more coppery (read orange) than full-on henna, which results in a much deeper red.  It did turn a little more deep coppery and 'saturated' than I expected, but now I'm quite content and even happy about the final result.

After I'm done using up the rest of the mixture for root touch-ups (I had some left overs that I placed in the freezer as it would be crying shame to waste it), I'm planning to use a 75% cassia and 25% henna mixture as that should give me more of a strawberry blonde look - less saturation and all.

Here is a picture that I took circa 24 hours after coloring:

About a week after I colored my hair (some of the darker tones are due to previously colored hair, the light tones in my ends are probably due to wear and tear + previous honey lightening treatments):

All in all, I am very happy about my 'hennassia' or rather 'cassienna'.  The conditioning effects are undeniable - visible and tangible: shinier, softer, thicker (looking) hair and ends that do not look like they need an asap trim.  I just love henna and now cassia too.

|| Sssschka

Starting Out

Sometime in Spring 2012 I decided to researched wedding hairstyles and chanced upon a rather large and lively hair care forum. It's been a while and I'm still on it - chatting, blogging away about hair care, growing hair, hairstyles, hair toys ... well, anything that has to do with haircare.

The aforementioned forum crashed about half a year later and I decided I can't rely on a forum and will have to create an independent blog where I will document my haircare routine, experiments, results, product reviews, etc.

And that is why I created this blog. I may ramble about other things, but the main topic is *my* hair - the one you can see on the background picture(s).

|| • - • || Sssschka